Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Finally! 😈
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?