I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.