Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Breaking news:
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.