Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Always…
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious