wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Social Media and Real life
Weirdos gonna weird.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.