My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…