Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*