me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
This why you should mind your business
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that