Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster