A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
In space, no one can hear…
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.