*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.