My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.