me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Legend 🤣🤣
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.