Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.