ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
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Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce