I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
You Might Also Like
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
let’s discuss
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
School be like
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner