oh my god
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!