So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?