The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead