“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’d love this…lol
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.