Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
You Might Also Like
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”