Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”