After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.