My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family