Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.