A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
That’s classic.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.