can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
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Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.