My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A dad and his duck