BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*