Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
imagine when the stars that make orion鈥檚 belt die and his pants fall down
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 馃拃
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Bit chilly again tonight.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don鈥檛 touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn鈥檛 going to cut it this time.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.