*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.