If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
You Might Also Like
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous