We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
as is their right
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
This guy gets it.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.