I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Social Media and Real life
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.