[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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an airline just for babies.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.