(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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You can’t rush stupid.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I hate my earbuds.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.