Is fake venison called venisn’t
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If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.