Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind