I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.