YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.