Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
🤣dope
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!