DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness