[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
You Might Also Like
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
moms in horror movies
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women