things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?