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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID