WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something