me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”