Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Jail
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Your secret is safeish with me
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
felt that
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.