I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
You Might Also Like
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.