Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Cake safety first. Always.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign