Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?